Summer Tourist Tips
Best Places In The City To:
* Smell the Ol’ New York, Circa 1970. 190th Street Station (“Take the ‘A’ Train”), by the elevator to Fort Tryron. Feel as glorious as a crackhead may have felt in those cheery days of out of control rioting and experimental lawlessness. Let the waft of a day-old dried urine awaken your adventurous personality and inebriate yourself in the pungent body odor that only someone who’s been partying on crystalmeth for over 72 hours is capable of emanating.
* Have Some Private Quality Time. West Street between Christopher and West 10 Street, after 2am. Collect your innermost thoughts in style and gather energy for another day enduring lines at the Statue of Liberty ferry or the Empire State Building by taking a walk on the wild side. Yes, some things never change. No one will try to prevent the passionate display of affection for a stranger you may feel the urge to express at any moment’s notice.
* Write Postcards. Washington Square Park’s Public Restrooms. Get up to date with your personal correspondence comfortably seated in one of the colorful stalls. Get ideas for full sentences about longing just by consulting the excrement-laden walls. Save your saliva and dip those recently purchased old fashioned “Wish You Were Here” postals straight into the pools of body fluids strategically placed around the bowls. No other place in the city will help you better convey your thoughts and keep them brief, which is just what your folks back home expect.
* Be Caught in a Crossfire. Bed-Stuy neighborhood, after-hours. Be at the center of the action. Witness the loud arguments, the exquisite curse usage, the ostentatious display of firepower. Have the thrill of a lifetime when someone in the crowd notices you and asks, in customary New York colloquial politeness, “What the fuck are you smiling about?” For those who made it to tell the story, even if missing a limb or two, the experience of feeling lost bullets zapping inches from your ears can be exhilarating.
* Slaughter Your Family. Inwood Hill Park, between 12 and 1 am. Perfect location to take your loved ones into their final foray. Secluded areas, plenty of soil to dig and leaves to delay the discovery of the bodies. Conveniently located paths and great variety of rocks available in different sizes and shapes, ideal to suit the demands of your plan. Isolated tree trunks and fields covered with soft layers, highly recommended for temporary body storage until a permanent spot is found and/or you’re ready for stage 2 action. Bring a change of clothing.
(More ‘Curb Your God’ Here)