Serial Beaker

Psycho Swan
Out of Pound

Now you know why comedians place their highest bets on finding material with politics and public figures’ antics. Most of every other piece of news nature throws at us has, by itself, its own punch line. To add anything to the stuff that makes up 90% of the news is not just redundant, it’s just plain unfunny.
Take Hannibal, for example. Here’s a swan who’s always taken it easy, swimming in his rural Welsh pond, enjoying the shade of historic Pembroke Castle, posing for tourist pictures, you know, being a nice, pretty swan of his Queen Majesty, who according to an ancient law, owns all swans in Great Britain.
And then along comes those nasty accusations. Somewhere along the line, someone rang the bell and, bang, the whole circus was set up and poor Hannibal was at the center of a murderous plot. Apparently, no less than 15 other birds, not just swans, went belly up on the same pond and some preposterous evidence seem to point at him.
Now, swans are not gentle creatures, mind you, no matter how pretty and peaceful they look, and notwithstanding old fairy tales that may portray them as magnanimous birds. On the contrary, they’re known to be fiercely territorial and highly protective of their own. Nothing wrong with that. Nature taking its course, and so on and so forth.
Hannibal, by the way, has a family but, for all we know, is single. Still, from some flimsy circumstantial evidence, some testimony from most likely jealous groundkeepers, to go ahead and call it bloody murder, that’s a bit much. Perhaps it has something to do with his name. Who knows? The fact is that now, a group of veterinarians are set to perform some blood work on the poor avian, hoping to pinpoint the evidence they couldn’t find anywhere else.
Frankly, that sounds like something out of “Frankenstein,” doesn’t it? What are they expecting to find? An abnormal brain? A shrunken pineal gland? An unusual, anatomical anomaly? Good grief. But Hannibal’s supporters – yes, he has plenty of them – won’t go quietly and already put up a Facebook page, to gather elements for his defense. Which won’t include any reference to “fava beans,” of course.
About that unreliable evidence: it seems that some conservationists reported seeing Hannibal hold the head of rivals underwater until they drown. Others testified that they saw him attacking birds and, afterwards, swimming around the pond with his wings up, looking very proud. The latest “crying baby,” another swan named Trevor, was being treated at an animal rescue centre after being saved by a local vet. Really?
Anyway, we’ll know the test results in a day or two. In the meantime, Hannibal’s been held at a separate tank, probably in as unsanitary conditions as he’s accused to have turned his pond into. Actually, some pious researcher did invoke the possibility pollution is playing a part in his behavior. Please. Don’t we all have better things to be concerned about?
We don’t know about you, but we plan on getting rid of all copies of that misleading Hans Christian Andersen tale, lest not giveth wrong ideas to the our own children who may, who knows? beak us to death too for letting them believe the kindness of swans. Better also throw away the literature of that other Hannibal, the Lecter dude, just in case. You know, pollution, global warming, these things seem to be getting to everyone these days.

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