Askew News

Novel Ways of Eating, Drinking
& Getting Right Back at Your Mate

In the world of breaking news, there comes a time when one needs to look at the other way, the unbeaten path, the road less traveled, the jump into the dark of existence to make sense of it all.
It’s a path that may lead to yet more bewilderment and WTFs, but also to thrills one would experience only while riding a faulty roller-coaster in the middle of the night.
It may feel like a jolt of electricity but it does beat the diet of unsolved murders, corporate malfeasance and war carnage one’s forced-fed each and every day.
A good place to start is the culinary arts. After all, we all have to eat, right? But what to some may be offal, to others it’s a praised delicacy.
In Serbia, for example, the World Testicle Cooking Championship has been attracting cooks and tourists from all over the world since 2005. Mostly Serbians, but still; you’d be surprised to find out how little it takes for a taste to be acquired.
Following the festival’s motto, “Scots have scotch, the Swiss, their cheese, and Serbians have balls,” the annual event promotes recipes made of testicles of bulls, pigs, ostriches, roosters, kangaroos and turkeys.
They have a ball with it. You should try it sometime too.
New Zealanders, on the other hand, like their drinks strong. What, with always being mixed-up for Australians, and not a word about the Maori, you’d also be a champion of the cup-lifting worldwide sport any time you need a stiff one.
As with many drinking tales, this one started with a contest, the annual Monteith’s Beer & Wild Food Challenge, where Wellington pubs compete to see which one comes up with the most arresting idea for drink of the year. Or the most disturbing.
It didn’t take long for the owner of one of them to consider as a fine choice the sperm harvested from a nearby Christchurch stallion farm. Add a little apple flavor to it, to keep it family-oriented, and there you have it: their very own “Hoihoi tatea” drink (don’t ask).
To be be candid, it didn’t attract many takers. Since even the jokes being made about it are, well, in bad taste, the tatea is served only as a shot and recommended to be swallowed with not much of a thought. But is there really any other way of having alcoholic shots?
Again, a wonderful time is been having by almost all. But think this way: with its hard to swallow provenance and no extended 4th of July weekend, as we’ve been having here, it may be a bless in disguise that it all ends tomorrow.
There’s no end for the number of possibilities a lovers’ quarrel may cause mayhem and affect every one even remotely involved with it, though.
When cops were called in Ohio by Stephanie Robinette‘s husband, they found a good looking but obviously addled and aggravated woman, barricaded within her car.
She’d allegedly stricken her partner several times, before locking herself up. No one was expecting that to ease her out of the car would be an easy task, but what followed surprised even the most jaded of the law enforcers present.
She did warn them, though, but few grasped what she meant by, “I’m a breast-feeding mother.” Until, to the dismay of by then a sizable crowd watching the brouhaha, she proceed to spray deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk.
We’ll give you a few minutes to gather your thoughts and compose a mental picture of what may have been.
You OK? We too did warn you about the road less traveled, and the creaking roller-coaster and all that. Thank goodness then that, given the testicle-cooking, shots laced with horse semen and a milk spraying mom, we all seem to have survived unscathed.
But what can we say? We just love the news with a passion. Enjoy the holiday.

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