What If It’s Better to
Skip Valentine’s Day?
Ever tried adding a few sugar spoons to your ice cream? Or drilled a hole on a can of condensed milk and sucked it right in? Well, we did. And here’s another diabetes-inducing rush happening this year: Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday. Tomorrow. Now go and check your blood levels.
Don’t get us wrong: we’re all for love and affection and all that. But we must admit it: we were never sold on the idea of trading chocolate and flowers and underwear for sex, if you don’t mind our bluntness. But hey, whatever rocks, right? Or so goes the credo.
Across the land, couples – or triplets or whatever – will go through the ritual (sponsored mostly by Hallmark?) of following a recipe concocted by the marketing gods to induce higher levels of shopping, and maybe, a special moment or two in the sack.
Or perhaps that’s not the point at all. That sack part, we mean. Thing is, we can’t ‘unsee’ the buying spree from the romantic thought of dedicating one day a year to our beating, pulsating, engorged bleeding hearts. (Spoiler alert: lots of lovers break up on this day too.)
Full disclosure: we’re being blasé on purpose. Can’t avoid it. What, with this age of revenge porn, and social media shaming, and hacking galore, it’s a wonder that our twitter accounts have been violated only a few times. Or that privacy has nothing to do with it, wink, wink.
But we’re not brutes. After all, when archeologists uncovered in Leicester, England, a 14-century pair of skeletons, buried together, hand in hand, or at least, arms entangled, we did savor for a minute the sweet thought that it was their choice, to be committed to the ground together.
A few years ago, another couple was found in the same situation, but they lived in Roman times. Archeologists are bound to discover more loving bones such as these in years to come. Just in time for Valentine’s Day. By the way, there must be a card for that too by now.
We’re not V-Day haters but, and here we go again, there’s been a slight downgrade, and we’re not referring only to the age of the buried couples we find these days. For instance, right after last year’s Valentine’s, a newspaper ad was published congratulating a couple about to have their first child.
How nice, right? Except that it was paid for by the man’s scorned wife. The ad went viral and has apparently triggered a trend. Quickly, historians uncovered ads of disgruntled spouses publicly dissing their former Valentines on paper, for all to see.
Many published not long after that presumably British couple’s time on Earth. And whereas last year some environmental groups used this week to boost awareness about the disappearance of bees, fighting for the ban of products harmful to them, you wouldn’t believe what the San Francisco Zoo came up with to make the date er memorable.
Have you ‘fallen prey to love’s cruel sting? Consider adopting the giant hairy scorpion,’ goes their V-Day campaign. Or, ‘when you think about the detritus of your love life this Valentine’s Day,’ what about taking a cockroach home and name it after your ex. But relax, it’s the Madagascar hissing type. Although, well never mind.
Unlike the New York and tropical varieties, they, and the scorpions, are endangered species. But come on, the link between your precious love life and a debilitating sting, or a disgusting hissing sound, should be enough for anyone to hold on tight to their credit cards on this day.
But for what? Life is short. Give it another shot. Maybe those flowers and the chocolate and, OK, that damned Hallmark card, will ace it this time. We won’t say, I told you so, if it doesn’t. And you can always place a disgruntled ad next month. Or adopt a cockroach. After all, broken hearts are known to have done sillier things.
* Valentine Way
* Embraceable Hearts