For Those Who’ll
Feel Like Losers
Ok, so you’ve worked hard – or didn’t do a thing – and your candidate still didn’t win. Don’t feel too bad: fate is as fate does, but in case you’re wondering, it was absolutely your fault. Now let’s save you some bucks for the four years worthy of therapy ahead, shall we?
Choices are few and involve major changes, just what you were trying your best to avoid. Regardless, you’re here now. Assuming that you’ve already called for refills of your acid reflux prescription, plus a few bottles of extra strength Tums, next thing to do it to cope.
Relax, help is on its way, so you won’t despair alone. Yes, it feels as if you won’t be able to even look at your new president without gagging. But worst have happened to you, and you did just fine, right? Well, let’s not get into that now. The working word here is survive.
And you will endure, and abide, and stomach (did we mention Rolaids?). You’ll even learn to conjugate similar verbs because you must. For the love of heavens, everyone will beg you to. But in case you falter, we’ve put together a short list of strategies to help you out. You’re welcome.
But before you yell at your computer, on the account of our meek picks, let us cover our behinds with the appropriate disclaimer: no, this is not everything. And if you’re already into yoga, meditation, or just joined the circus or a cult, you shouldn’t be on the Internet anyway. Unless, of course, you aren’t sure about your choices. We feel you.
May your horse come ahead, and you don’t lose your you-know-what over this election. But if things go south and going north sounds no longer remote, print this list; you’ll have less than two months to pack and split. Tell everyone you’re off to get the paper and have a go. Either way, good luck to you.
WHY NOT (CALL YOUR AGENT &) LEAVE?
The Celebrity DeLite. Many have actually said so, probably thinking about that mega production being cast in Europe, as we speak. If they say Oh Canada, they’re likely Canadians. But if you too can afford it, by all means: kick the tires and sell the farm. Don’t forget to call Mom.
Since you’re no Bryan Cranston, you may consider going where you’re actually needed. A few years making new friends, maybe even learning a new language, and you may find that losing this election was your biggest victory. Just kidding. No, seriously, you may never have a better excuse.
EAT ROOMS, DIG ACID, TRY AYAHUASCA
The Turn On, Drop Out Solution. Yes, this one is not for everybody (we also hope that kids are already in bed as your read this). But stay with it for a moment. First of all, no one is telling you to become drug addicted, just so to deal with harsh politics.
In fact, Ayahuasca has being a success at curing (more)
* Binders Full of It
* Pre-Existing Conditions
* Polls & Tallies
just that. And like magic mushrooms, they’ve been used since prehistoric Eurasia. Even LSD, so vilified, can open your own Doors of Perception. As they say, if you can’t avoid the madness, gladly join it.
IF TIRED OF YOUR IDENTITY, CHANGE IT
The Con Men Favorite. Just off the bat, this is a fantasy. Despite all movies, books, and your own secret desires, today more than ever no one disappears. Not forever anyway, unless they die. But for four years? it’s feasible. It’ll take some work, but the adventure of just trying must be priceless.
There are hundreds of sites for the fugitive kind. Probably more on the Deep Web. No need to go there. The hardest part may be to part with the world you know, but it’s manageable, if you don’t try to cheat the police, debtors, and ex-spouses. After all, it’s a confidence trick.
ALL YOU NEED IS A NEW FACE (& HEAD)
The Radical Switcheroo. No one saw this one coming, but with the new anti-rejection drugs, victims of disfiguring events – or disappointing electoral results – can now pick a new physiognomy to face up the rest of their lives. Under the right persuasion, so could you too.
The source is unlimited: the dead. Now, a word of caution about this one: it’s painful, expensive, and not always successful. But you’ve always suspected that your visage wasn’t magazine-cover material, anyway. You’ll be truly a two-faced, and the newest one will really resemble somebody else’s.
DON’T LIKE THE PRESENT? FREEZE IT
The Sci-Fi Time Leap. If the previous choice was radical, now we’re in the deep end and totally out there. The main upside is that when you wake up, you’ll be in the future. The downside is also that you’ll be in the future. No more debtors, yay. No one you know, boo. Rough luck.
Many can’t wait to get into Cryogenics, and a few hundred are already there. That the latter is dead is not a deterrent for the former. If they really bring you back, it’ll be a better world in at least one aspect: no diseases. Then again, they may be freaks and you, just a spare body.
THE DYING ART OF TOUGHEN UP
Many a time in life we dreaded what was coming for us, and yet, we’ve soldiered on, like little matchsticks certain to spark and burn. We remember each and all of those moments, and how they felt like. But now we have our phones to keep us from facing what we dislike.
We’re always so busy avoiding sadness that when there’s a chance to be happy, we can’t feel neither. It’s really up to you (don’t quote us on that): use this list as guide to spare your jittering ego from grief exposure. Or just freaking go through with it already.