Stock & Awe

Place Your Bets,
Ladies and Gentlemen

Professors at the University of Little Stone, Kepsicola, have developed a revolutionary theory as to why stock prices fluctuate anytime there’s a threat, real or imagined, to the wealth of market investors.

After extensive tests and in loco research, they concluded that the whole thing “is a fucking casino.”
Who doesn’t miss the excitement, they ask, the cold sweat and the illusion you just made 10 times as much money as the loser next door? (That’d be us, by the way.)
Sure, investors got nervous when Congress started to dig for financial reform. They nibbled at their manicured nails watching big honcho Blankfein standing out for them (and himself) against those buffoons trying to bully him and the industry.
And of course, they were not calm when an imminent bond default in Greece was (and still is) threatening to wipe down the European Union nations’ aggregate wealth.
Portugal was lining up to receive its own rescue package, never mind that thousands had already taken the streets of Athens to protest theirs.
They’re mere taxpayers like you and I, who, most likely, will foot the bill, whatever it may be, no questions asked.
But is that excitement enough?
Of course, it’s not. Nor is an oil spill in the Gulf, or floods in the South, or tornadoes in the Midwest.
What we need is a thrilling roller coaster ride in the markets. We need to see traders screaming at their screens and telephones.
We need to watch as fortunes are wiped out in a moment, just to be redoubled in the next. Only a crazy run like yesterday’s will do it.
We’re again up to no good today, as the early numbers start coming in.
So send the kids out to school, reach for your coffee and, as that old Harpy used to say, it’s going to be a bumpy ride, you suckers.

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