The Banned, the New & the
Obscene, Plus Satan Tweets
On the Chinese calendar, 2018 is the Year of the Dog, which is but another of many ironies we hadn’t really asked for. For there’s no doubt to whom this one’s been gone to. Yet, throughout its mostly painful months, we came through with another appreciation. For the trivial.
Whether for better, worse, or neither the case, is up in the air. Trump’s Orwellian ban on words, a new organ and continent, things we’ve got stuck inside, plus a Tweeter account wittier than the president’s, 2017 had us all gagging. But it could be even worse. Maybe.
Like this just in, breaking news: by closing time, we still haven’t heard from Mary Lee, the East Coast GPS tag-wearing, 16-foot shark, we grew fond of following. She’s missing and our hearts are skipping beats; knowing she was out there (without us) gave us so much solace. Please call home, proud Mary.
Speaking of the Orange-in-Chief, he’s beaten and abused us the whole year, and we ducked and despaired. But while he’s taken credit for the very air we breathe, the puppeteers behind him looked all familiar: they’re doing their usual worst, but, let’s not be coy about it, we know where they all live.
Just saying, not holding our breath about it, as our old Nanny from Kansas used to say. But as we prepare our hour of reckoning, we may count blessings for not having lost our heads, for we’ll be needing them when our ship arrives. By then, hopefully the New Year won’t keep going K-9 on us.
THESE WORDS SHALL NOT BE UTTERED
There hasn’t been precedent of a U.S. presidency being so often compared to 1984, the nightmarish dystopia George Orwell envisioned in his 1948 book, even discounting party-biased assumptions. But a recent Trump administration brief to the country’s top health agency seems to confirm people’s fears.
The words ‘vulnerable,’ ‘entitlement,’ ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender,’ ‘fetus,’ ‘evidence-based’ and ‘science-based,’ are for now on forbidden to be used by the Center for Diseases Control and Prevention, government officials told the agency. Does that imply that, with the new order, you’d better watch what you say?
Enough to send chills down anyone’s spine, isn’t it? Yet, despite such blatant totalitarian ‘edit,’ which follows the redacting of ‘climate change’ from government environmental sites, many are not convinced (more)
* Guilty as Charged
* Haunting Memories
we may be living in ‘1984.’ Perhaps they will, though, when someone comes for a relative of theirs.
WE DONT NEED ANOTHER ORGAN. OR CONTINENT
Times are so odd that two scientific discoveries, made during 2017, all but failed to generate public excitement. First, there was ‘mesentery,’ which, despite linking the abdomen with the intestine, was never acknowledged as a new organ before. Since January, though, it is. Or almost: not everyone is on the same page.
Then there’s Zealandia, which a group of scientists wants to be considered a new continent. The 5-million-square-kilometer landmass, including its two above-water parts, New Zealand and New Caledonia, is far from being an unanimity, however, and heated discussions are, yawning, continuing.
Perhaps, with so much fake news, plus a massive amount of despondent real ones too, even scientific breakthroughs aren’t getting their usual pass at impressing the crowds. We’ve grown jagged, and the thought of having another piece of anatomy, or land, to memorize, well, we simply no longer can handle.
PHONE, $$, BATTERIES & A SHOT GLASS
A list of objects doctors accidentally leave inside their patients is not for the faint of heart. But what about one for things people intentionally insert inside their bodies and then, surprise, surprise, can’t easily remove? The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission now compiles just such a list.
A report of emergency room visits in 2017 can be eye-opening. Pins, paper, food, bottle, eggs, toys, lollipops, cables, capsules, clay, golf balls, utensils, screwdrivers, and hair brushes, among many more, seem fair game for Americans seeking relief, thrill, companionship, or simply to get out of boredom.
The predictable embarrassment of a hospital stay never seem to deter anyone’s er sense of adventure. We can only imagine what did not get stuck inside, and prevented us all from knowing. And even if insertion is not exclusive to bellow-the-belt orifices, the bottom line is, whatever rocks your boat.
‘TIS THE SEASON TO SIN, SAYS HE
The only person who thinks his tweets are great is the Donald; almost everybody else consider them nauseating, hateful, and as basic as a second-grade likes and dislikes. Worst, they sound like the parody they’re not. But if that’s your thing, then the Satan Tweeter account is for you.
The ‘turn on my notifications for a good spot in hell‘ is everything several parody accounts for the Mars rovers used to be, in more quaint times – they’re still fun to read, but no longer that entertaining. Satan, on the other hand, is pure gas. And has so much potential for more, if you allow it.
‘Soon as I’m back on earth it’s over for you bitches,’ ‘I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday,‘ and ‘If you ever feel alone, watch a horror movie late at night with the lights off. You won’t feel so alone anymore’, seem like a fitting antidote to, yes, everything.
Fact is, we’ll soldier on, as we always do, but never without complaining. For more and more, the grass looks greener everywhere else. Or doesn’t? Iceland has just mandated a mental health warning to be included on every bible. Which means, elves and trolls, Ok; Jesus and Satan, not so much. Meanwhile, Happy New Year.